This has been the blah-est day ever. It's so sad. No one is in the office. I'm not doing any work. I really don't like the holidays like this.

Lord of the Rings - ultimate MIT movie! That's why I'm reluctant to see it for the same reason you enjoyed your waiting-in-line experience.

It's Wednesday. It feels like Friday. I'm ready to stop work and go home. I've been ready since Monday, mid-morning.

What does one have to do to get some respect around here?!?!? I've been without a reasonably up-to-date computer for the last week. Even the tech help desk is getting to call the shots (by withholding a new desktop)! That's how low on the totem pole I am around here.

Please! Lay me off! Hope the bosses don't see this.

I have 4 more days to go before vacation but instead of being excited, I'm anxious. I'm anxious about packing, about getting presents in time. I have yet to send out cards, so, you might get yours late. =)

Christmas is just rushing on by, isn't it? Although each day I notice or experience something Christmas-y, they haven't amalgamated into the "holiday spirit." The lights on a wreath at a skating rink, the tree at Lincoln Center (they have one too!), familiar logo-ed shopping bags in red and green, coworkers talking about vacations, Christmas get togethers here and there. All nice things that do remind of Christmas but I think it's all bittersweet in the end. It's like being in college. You want to spend the holidays with friends because you think it'd be so much fun, but people end up going "home," as do I of course. But right now, for eleven and a half months of the year, my "home" is where my friends have been, right here with me. But at this relaxed and meaningful time, they're not here. I'm not here.

I've asked this of some people once: "When do you get to actually spend Christmas and the holidays not at home?" The main answer I got was: "When you have your own family and that's your home."

I'm actually spending less of my Christmas holiday with my family than I am with some friends this year. But upon my return on January 10th, I might tell you that despite getting my wish to spend the holidays with friends, it's perhaps family who I really want to be with.

I'll have to find out for myself.

OK. I see the quandary that you're in. Why are you even tutoring? Cause you have time? Cause you want to be around the kids?

My laptop at work was stolen over the weekend. I'm very annoyed. I locked it and everything but someone even took the cable that was attached to the table. This is ridiculous. It's like the 3rd laptop stolen among coworkers that I know. I'm really curious as to who it could be. Obviously, it's someone I see daily, perhaps the cleaning crew. For a while, I was doubting my eyes and thinking that I brought it home over the weekend...and forgot to bring it back!!??! Of course not! Dang thieves.

Went to a Praise Night this weekend. It was good. Trying to connect to God but wasn't very easy.

Plans for the holidays?

Why does your mom disapprove? Would convincing her otherwise allow you to continue to tutor and still honor her?

Lots of layoffs around. It's kinda sad. I never worried about it even amidst all the rumors and even when it initially started happening. But yesterday, it hit closest to home. I felt it was like the angel of death coming to each house during Passover. It moved from the south side of the building towards the north. I reside near the center. People in my division, my friends' managers, a manager I used to work for are now gone. Significant role changes are happening too. Ultimately these organizational changes for the high-level folks are not of their own accord. They're being relegated to nothing-type jobs so that they can prepare to leave without being laid off. I was just thinking about it last night. And I was thinking about why I was thinking about it. I usually don't think about other people's problems. I'm selfish like that. I'm not really afraid of being laid off. If I am, that would be fine. If I'm not, that would be fine too. I think this is another instance of me just sitting back, not making decisions, letting them be made for me. Not very good, but in this case, there's not much I can do.

You like Dave Matthews, right? Heard of Five for Fighting? Very similar. Good. The first single out: Superman. Lyrics below. I like.

Superman (It's Not Easy)

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me
It’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

Never saw that movie. Heard it was good. Despite the context, still very sad and depressing. Coincidentally, I ran across a book that your poet Auden wrote about Shakespeare. He was given a series of lectures on the topic and some attendee took meticulous notes, I guess. Do you read his other stuff?

How's life? Must be good. It sounds good. All these opportunities are open to you: taking classes, part time vs. full time of any type of work you want.

And I thought I had a bad day. Those were the saddest poems I have ever read? Are you trying to tell me something?

Yep. Went to Les Alles. Had the filet mignon. Medium. Bearnaise sauce on the side.

Good point. I think I've always heard that, about women being attracted to success. I think it was more along the lines of "stability" which could translate into "success" in our world. The trap, therefore, for men is the mindset that they could achieve this success "if only" they did/became/studied . So, men (especially Asian ones, who already have the parental/familial burden) will do most anything to be a success, even at the detriment of doing something they don't want to.

On the other hand, aren't women also attracted to men who do what they like and like what they do? But that ain't gonna pay the rent, you know what I'm sayin'? And I wouldn't want to not be able to provide. So, it kind of comes full circle. Women want a provider. Men want to provide. But (or "And") men want to be attracted. So, women want to be attractive? Can I make that last assertion?

Thanksgiving was good. It was good to see Susy. We went out to eat. Had steak. Very good steak. Went to the Macy's Parade for a little bit, like 5 minutes. We went to eat at this French bakery instead and that took all our time. Went to Ground Zero, as close as people could get. It was my first time getting that close. You still can't see too much. It really wasn't something I wanted to see.

How well do you know the guy? Does he know? Why wouldn't it work out? The China-thing? I gotta send you a copy of this talk by my pastor about relationships and community. Insightful. About how it's not about you, the marriage thing. It's about the other person, just like everything else in Christianity, sorta. I'll send it to you; remind me.

You have all that jurisdiction over what your church does in terms of missions? That's pretty good.

Officially feeling lousy. Sick and sick of it.

Did you ever see "Say Anything..."?

I could link to your page but you don't mind people observing our conversation? At least, with this one-sided thing, they can use their imagination.

Susy's my high school friend. We were like best friends in high school. Things were in a lull in college though she was only across the River. But we're back on track. She's back in our hometown. So, we'll try to catch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade tomorrow.

Cool about the Missions Ministry. What are some of your plans?

But with each year, your +5 requirement will include those 30-something guys. You might as well go for them now.

I'm getting sick. I hate getting sick, primarily because it signifies my lack of control over something that's of very special concern to me: me.

New York people are very guarded about their emotions. No one I know here hugs. I just realized that. I'm not a hugger but you know how it was in college. This is brought on by an online instant messaging session I'm having right now. =)

MH (some people think you're just in my head) - Three things:

I'm staying in New York because my friend from high school is visiting. It doesn't pay to go home for only a couple of days. Thanksgiving is not really a big deal in the Li household.

We're in a similar boat. I'm not trying to impress anyone intentionally, but if I come off as impressive, well, then, that's a bonus, for them. Actually, I thought about that last night. Sometimes I don't want to impress because that means I'm just trying too hard. And I'm a little tired of trying. And cause the guy has to do all the trying and all the girl has to do is nod yea or nay. But honestly, I'm learning that trying (and failing) is essential to eventual success; and to not be afraid. So, I'm going to take a chance and try and hopefully impress. No requirements. No ideals. No standards. No self-centeredness. Slow, steady, and solid relationships with people for now and come what may.

Because you went to Costco, overworked and underpaid garment workers in third world countries are crying in pain over your weakness. Loose fit?! You're not a teenage boy! You can do better than that. Return it.

You miss posting for a day and you get email rants about it! Dang.

I called Les Halles to make a reservation for dinner on Thursday and the receptionist was all French and stuff. She greeted me with a friendly "Bonjour!" She asked for my name and I said "JOE-SEPH" and she responded with "SHOW-seph? (with accent). I felt like I was in French class all over again. I wanted to say "Oui, madame, je voudrais faire des réservations de dîner pour trois jeudi."

I just started watching the reruns of Everyone Loves Raymond. It's pretty funny, along the lines of Home Improvement, which I didn't like when it first came out. Anyway, my thought was about Ray and his marriage relationship. So the premise of the show is of a married man, average in many ways, who has a smart, sassy wife who keeps him in line because he does not-so-suave stuff. And my thought was: I'd like to be that not-so-suave husband one day. That must not make me sound very appealling, huh? Eh, no matter. Of course, I intend to provide, protect, and prize my wife, but could I also be the guy who forgets stuff like dates or who is messier than she'd like? I just don't want too high an expectation from me. Hmmm...maybe only in sitcoms, and for comedic relief, that such situations exist and thrive.

Nah! I have a feeling that all marriages end up like that. The wife will always be the smarter, sassier (is this even a word?) spouse of the two. And he'll love that with all his mistakes, she still loves him. And she'll find all his faults, and occasional dopey-ness, endearing, seeing improvements over time. God! What am I saying? This is so sappy-ly pathetic. Got...to...stop...watching....so...many...sitcoms (me tearing myself away from the TV).

Schitzo enough for ya?

MH: 1. Others read it. 2. Reread Lord of the Rings? Didn't even read it the first time. Nor have I read the Harry Potter series. Science fiction/fantasy just isn't my thing. I wasn't meant to go to MIT, I'm tellin' ya. 3. No, you never called me non-committal.

I was reading about Taliban POWs being shot by Alliance soldiers. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm saddened by their brutal, primitive executions. Collectively, they're the "bad" guys. Individually, they're just simple men, who, wrong or right, believe in something enough to fight for. And what is an Alliance soldier to do with a POW? Let them go free? Keep them detained? How? With what resources? Where? It's just complicated.

I still support my president, our country, the war effort. Is this all about saving face? Is this about reassuring a vengeance-bent American public? Is this about demonstrating our leadership for the world audience? Is this just dumb? No, that last one. It's not. It's not dumb. It's just complicated.

I just wished things weren't so complicated.

Many people would agree that being a good listener is a virtue. However, when does it stop being a virtue? I think a person can listen too much, just as one can speak too much. Never let it be said that I think listening is burdensome. In fact, it's the easier of the two tasks in a conversation; the other task being speaking, of course. However, it's also the passive task. Yes, yes, there's "active" listening, but that just means paying attention. How hard it that? Listening takes no initiative, makes no mistakes, and gives up nothing. Perhaps, my non-aggressive, fear-of-failure, and non-committal tendencies stem from me being a good listener? How ironic! Here I thought it was a virtue when it turns out to be a stumbling block. Oh, but don't get me started on those who talk too much....

And by the way, MH, this has nothing to do with you. It was brought on by a call I got from a friend today. I do remember what you told me about being a good listener and all that other stuff.

And post that post script, don't take this too seriously, whoever is reading this. I sometimes just think I'm being too nice a guy and it has kinda stuck. Hey, there are worse things to be than a nice guy. Not too many things but there are, I'm sure....I hope.

MH: Where are you planning on shopping then? I guess designer brands only, right? Might I suggest Diesel jeans?

Urban tribe! That's my thought of the day. I like it. I like having it. Hope I continue to have it. That is, until the last one of 'em gets married (and I did my best to stop him/her yet he/she still relented).

Answer to yesterday's thought question: "Yes, a little bit. I crave exclusivity but I, of course, also insist inclusion in that party."

I attended a cocktail "thank you" reception given by a high-level department head last night. I've noticed that my perception of coworkers change as a result of they getting a little drunk and me getting a little drunk. Some coworkers are more fun and that's cool. And some are more sleazy and/or skankoid that you'd like to think of them as and that's not as cool. But in the morning, nothing changes. Well, I have been getting started at all day....

Do you know those corporate discounts at chain retailers such as J Crew and Brooks Brothers and occasionally Banana Republic? Well, before, I used to get them, perhaps, once a season. Now, it's like every other month. OK. So that means twice a season but that's double from before! My question is: Is the discount less attractive because it's more frequent?

Phoenix, huh? There really isn't much to do at the Grand Canyon, except to look at it. And that gets old pretty fast. So, umm...no.

My two real requirements? Here goes: Nah! The woman who eventually fulfills or breaks them will know that it doesn't matter to me whether she is those things or not.

My thought of the day is: I realized last night that I am rather selfish. Make that, very selfish. A friend told me that being in a relationship, you learn how selfish you are and can be. But since I already know that, does that mean, I don't need a relationship? Or does it mean, "Have no fear! Relationship and commitment? Bring it on!"

Couldn't resist any longer, so I'm using Blogger. My thought was, if "jwli" wasn't taken, then I'll do it. It's one less new username/password I need to remember.

As for the online survey, here it is:

Hometown: Orlando, FL
Favorite Salad Dressing: French
Do you make fun of people?: Unequivocally YES
Favorite color: Grey
Pets?: None
Favorite Type of Music: Pop, Classical (Baroque), Easy Listening (Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, NOT Streisand or Yanni)
Hobbies: None (I lead a boring life). Oh wait, does watching TV count?
Type of Car you drive now: 1,2 MTA subway lines
Favorite Food: Surf and Turf (Lobster and Steak)
Current Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Can't just list one, the others will get jealous.
Do you get along with your parents?: Yes, I think so.
Favorite place to chill: Isolated corner of bookstore, Mens department at Bloomingdales (still too intimidated to walk into Bergdorf on Fifth)
Favorite Ice Cream: Cherry Vanilla (Haagan Das)
Favorite Drink: Coke!
Favorite Songs at the moment: "I'm a Slave 4 U" by Britney (Just kidding); It's actually "Bootylicious" by Destiny's Child
Favorite Musical Groups/Artists: Steven Curtis Chapman, Harry Connick Jr., Frank Sinatra, and of course Destiny's Child
Favorite Movie: American Psycho was pretty good. Messed up but good. Toy Story 1 and 2 (both very good).
Favorite TV Show: Friends; Will & Grace; Sopranos; SNL
Favorite Novel: I'm not a big fan of reading. Great Gatsby was the most recent book I reread from high school. Unfortunately, age hasn't brought much new insight to it for me.
Favorite Subject in school: None (didn't like school, heh heh)
Favorite Holiday: Christmas? I don't know. Not really. I guess I don't have one. I'll take any day where I don't have to work, where I can spend time with family and friends.
What do you look for in a mate: all I ask is that she love me and not just for my beauty, charm, and wit. And for those who know my two real requirements, they still stand. But I can't put it on the web! I'll look shallow!

Hey, first thought. I gotta clean my apartment. I have guests coming over tonight!